In my coaching session with Lin, she explained that she realized that differences in cultural norms are not addressed in Isaacs' Four-Player Model of Dialogue.
Lin told me that cultural norms and respect for elders can change her affect in a conversation. She described a phone conversation during the week with her soon-to-be parents-in-law.
Lin said that she is very cautious in a conversation with them. Her mother-in-law-to-be is very sensitive and interprets Lin's words differently from Lin's intention. Lin said that she doesn't feel comfortable being her whole self. She said that she is always following in her conversations with her parents-in-law-to-be.
On the other hand, Lin is very comfortable in her conversations with her fiance. She said that they switch roles in dialogue very smoothly. Sometimes she is the mover.
For her third example of engaging in dialogue and using the Four-Player Model, Lin described a particularly terrible fight she had in a conversation two years ago with a friend who is still living in China, and who wants to apply to graduate schools in the U.S. He did not want to listen to her advice about taking sample TOEFL and GRE tests. Lin talked with him again last week. Finally, she said, he is now able to listen to her and take in what she is saying to him and advising for him. She found this very gratifying.
Lin came up with two wonderful take-aways in her coaching session. First, she said that "a leader is someone who stimulates individuals' capacity of saying."
Second, she said that she feels that the smartest role in the team is the Bystander role, because that participant puts the issue into perspective.
From Lin, I learned that a coach may be a bystander. The coach follows and listens, but then in synthesizing what the coachee said, the coach provides perspective and moves into the bystander role.
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