On Wednesday, I had an appointment with the funeral home. I
was late leaving home, because my young son wanted to come with me. He cried,
and cried. I explained that I was going to an adult meeting. I said that it
wasn’t a meeting that I could include him in. I was breathing in a shallow way
throughout that exchange.
I left the children in my husband’s care. I said goodbye,
got in my car, and drove away. I
did not want to listen to the radio. I drove in silence. I noticed that my
breathing got deeper. I looked at the trees, rock walls, farms, frozen ponds,
and houses that I drove by. I became more relaxed.
The funeral home called to check on me. I apologized for
being late. Eileen was understanding. I became more relaxed and breathed
deeper.
At the meeting at the funeral home, I was initially nervous.
My breathing was shallow. But, I saw that the estimate I had received was exactly what I was presented. I
had done research on Tuesday and had chosen this funeral home over several
others that I had called. The funeral director was not stuffy or fake. He was
nice. Again, my breathing became deeper.
I then went to my mother-in-law’s house to join her, my
sisters-in-law, and our family friend Conny. We ate lunch together and told
stories about Dad. I felt safe and good. My breathing was deep. But, when my
mother-in-law asked about my oldest son, I cried. I said he was deeply affected
and having a hard time. My breathing became more shallow as I cried.
Conny told a story about her husband Doug. She had been at
her writers’ group on Tuesday evening. She had not heard the news yet of my
father-in-law’s death. Doug had heard the news though. When she got home, she
found Doug drinking bourbon. He told her he had had one shot of bourbon for
himself and one for Richard, and then one shot for himself, and one for Richard. She said he had had many, many shots of bourbon.
We all laughed lovingly. My breathing became deeper again.
I breathe deeply
when I am not in conflict, and when I feel safe.
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