Mindfulness: Awareness of My Emotions

On Thursday, I stayed home from work for a bereavement day.  My children also stayed home from school, as we felt that it would be nice for them to have some initial time to grieve for their grandfather.

My house doesn't have much private space. Our family desk is located in our mud room, which is adjacent to the living room and the kitchen. It is often difficult for me to concentrate on school work. My children interrupt me. My husband often doesn't realize I'm thinking and bursts in to tell me his latest success in fixing the tractor or the car, or one of his other projects.

On Thursday, I was trying to listen to the weekly podcast for class. The children were running around in the house chasing each other, wielding their foam swords and hooting and hollering. I started feeling weepy and desperate. I was desperate for some quiet space in which to listen to the podcast.  I was all caught up in a combination of emotions. I was  sad because my father-in-law died on Tuesday. I was scared, because I was not attending to my job, and was worried about the projects and work piling up. I was also worried about my schoolwork. Additionally, I felt guilty. I wanted to be in the moment with my sons and share their giddy game. I was also, actually, angry. I just wanted to be able to listen to the podcast.

I started to cry. My husband came over and talked me through my feelings. He reminded me that we had decided to send the boys to school the next day. I had decided that I would take another bereavement day. Moving out of the mishmash of emotion, I saw that I didn't need to force the situation at the moment.  I didn't need to listen to the podcast on Thursday evening. I realized that I would have Friday morning to myself -- and I could listen to the podcast in a quiet house the next day.

We also came up with another solution. I said that I wished I had headphones to wear when I'm studying. We talked about the Bose Noise Canceling Headphones, which are expensive.  Then, I realized that I had just received a check for the editorial usage of one of my photographs in a magazine.  My husband and I said together, "perfect." We decided that buying the headphones was the perfect use of that income. I hope that the headphones will help me to concentrate in my often noisy home, and to lose my temper less often with my children, who are very dear, and very noisy.

Once I emerged from being caught up in that mishmash of emotion, I was calmer and more centered. I was also more engaged in the moment, instead of worrying about the future and dwelling in the past.