Coaching Session on Presencing in Nature & In Person

I talked with my coach about my journey into the land adjacent to my back yard. I live near the Appalachian Trail and New York's Fahnestock State Park.

I took time Saturday morning to climb up the hill where boulders left by the glaciers still sit. I walked up on the ridge, away from my house.

First, I saw the handiwork of a dedicated woodpecker.

The Woodpecker's Handiwork

And then, I saw some beautiful green moss peeking out of the forest floor.

I made my way north. I turned left and climbed up another ridge, and kept walking toward the huge rock my husband told me I would find. There it was. It is, perhaps, the size of my galley kitchen. It's this enormous rock that is solidly there.

I found my way to the Vernal Pond and took 15 minutes to observe nature. I didn't ask myself to think about anything in particular. I listened to the squawking of two noisy hawks flying together. I heard a lot of different types of birdsong.
                                                                                              It was very quiet. The clouds moved to the left, and the  

Early Spring Moss

light changed. The day became more gray and less bright.

I told my coach that I sat on a rock overlooking the Vernal Pond and explored my Self. I did not come to one conclusion. I pondered student, teacher, mother figure, servant leader, follower?, instigator?

I told my coach about the workshop I gave on Tuesday. I explained that I was not afraid. At the end of my free writing exercise, I came to the conclusion that I am interested in things that are not in the scope of my job. I shared with my coach my questioning about what job is the right job for my Self. Is it coaching? Is it change consultation? Is it human resources.

My coach rephrased my questions and asked additional questions. I shared with her these words from my free writing exercise:

The Vernal Pond

"Ice. What's under the ice? The surface. What's under the surface? Tap the spring. Tap the source in each individual."

My coach helped me to understand that I'm on the right path. She was very encouraging.

I also talked with her regarding a presencing experience I had with a co-worker on Friday. The co-worker came to me with an idea of fixing up two of our male co-workers who are single. I related to my coach that I saw her authentic self. I saw her caring as an individual and her desire to be a match-maker. I explained to my coach that we were in Field 4 of Scharmer's Dialogue Model. We came to a point of generating together a plan to bring these individuals together to see if they might be interested in dating one another. Together, we each have an inner nature toward love, which we shared together, as we engaged in presencing.

My Coachee's Take on Suspension

In my coaching session on Suspension this week with Lin, she provided an interesting example of suggesting to her fiancé that he suspend his feelings about a friend. Lin’s fiancé met with a friend whom he had not seen for about 10 years. He told Lin that he found that friend to be very different from the past. He was only interested in himself.

When Lin’s fiancé related this story to her, she pointed out that perhaps the friend was nervous and just talked about himself a lot to cover up his nervousness. She suggested that he give the friend a second chance. She was suggested that he suspend his initial gut reaction about the encounter with the friend.

Lin’s fiancé was defensive with her. He said, “What’s your point here? What are you trying to do?”

Lin realizes that she was not a part of the meeting between the two old friends. So, she can’t see whether her fiance’s perception is correct or incorrect. But, she wanted to point out that there was a possibility that her fiancé misunderstood his friend.

Lin said her fiancé felt that she was against him. He believed his own intuition.

Based on this situation, we had a very good dialogue on suspension of beliefs and thoughts. We also discussed when one may make a quick judgment, such as, “I haven’t been to the dentist for a cleaning for a year; I should go to the dentist.” And, when one may need to suspend judgment about an issue that is controversial or has no fixed answer.

We concluded our dialogue with the thought: “It is so easy to be misunderstood; it is so important to be understood.”

Coaching Session on Suspension

While talking with my coach this week, I related an experience at work with two co-workers that spurred strong emotions from me.

The exchange with the co-workers happened via e-mail. I was tempted to respond immediately.  But, I did not. I suspended my judgment and feelings. I let them float.

I actually suspended my feelings for several days. It helped that I had a critical deadline that I had to meet. I just shoved those feelings to the side and focused on executing the critical work.

With time, I told my coach, that I realized the issue was not critical. I saw that the students involved in the issue had another space in their academic careers for the opportunity in question.

I also saw that we need to examine our assumptions about the students. What do they think?  What do they really think? We need to ask them – not just imagine what they think.

Additionally, we need to engage in methodological belief to understand the process and issues from the standpoint of a 20-year-old student – actually from many different 20-year-old students – international students, U.S. citizens, financially-challenged students, first-generation college students, etc.

I also told my coach that in suspending my reaction, I found a crack, or a space that will let me take the group from Field 2, into Field 3, to really discuss this issue.

I realized that we have not identified a mission statement, a vision statement, or a list of leadership practices. I realized that I want to propose that we engage in this type of intentional work together.  This, instead of my initial gut reaction, is now my answer.  Suspending my initial answer got me to this place.

I see that if we can identify a mission statement, vision statement, and/or a list of  leadership values/practices, all of our actions in the future can be tied to these statements. This is key work that we must engage in.

Further, I told my coach that I that I made a conscious decision to be tactical. I decided not to engage in part two of our assignment, because I would have done so via e-mail. I was not scheduled to see these co-workers in person until next week. I feel that it will be much more successful to say to them in person: “I’m noticing that as I disagree with you, part of me is skeptical about the rigidity I feel towards the position I’m taking right now. It feels a bit like this rigidity is preventing me and perhaps both of us from seeing the larger picture together…”

Further, now I can share with them what I learned from our exchange – that we need mission, vision, and leadership practices statements to inform our decision-making in the future.

But, for me, this dialogue has to be in person. It is not as effective, and bound to be misunderstood, if initiated via e-mail.

Mindfulness: Awareness of My Thoughts

On Friday, I was alone after my children went to school. I began to work on my schoolwork. I noticed that as I read, and as I wrote, thoughts of my job kept coming into my mind.

These thoughts of my job led me to think about certain problems at work. Although I was not meditating, I decided to push those thoughts out of my mind.  I realized that they were distractions.  I realized that I had a list of things to accomplish for my classes.  And, I had time alone to use for concentration and work.  I actively chose to think about my work for my Dialogue Processes class.

At one point, though, my focus changed. I did begin to think about my job and a specific problem. I realized that I was downloading solutions from the past. As I held Otto Scharmer’s book Theory U, I thought of a completely different way to approach this problem.

I turned Scharmer’s book over and read the blurbs on the back. The blurbs led me to a new thought. I had a significant new realization and then made a series of connections. From these thoughts, I have a new awareness.  I also have a plan, and a goal. I checked in with a good friend and told her about my realization. She was very excited about it, and enthusiastically endorsed my idea.

Now, I do not feel locked in or trapped by downloaded thoughts from my past.  Rather, I feel excited and a bit scared. This is a good combination and a good sign.  It means I am on a new path.

Mindfulness: Awareness of My Emotions

On Thursday, I stayed home from work for a bereavement day.  My children also stayed home from school, as we felt that it would be nice for them to have some initial time to grieve for their grandfather.

My house doesn't have much private space. Our family desk is located in our mud room, which is adjacent to the living room and the kitchen. It is often difficult for me to concentrate on school work. My children interrupt me. My husband often doesn't realize I'm thinking and bursts in to tell me his latest success in fixing the tractor or the car, or one of his other projects.

On Thursday, I was trying to listen to the weekly podcast for class. The children were running around in the house chasing each other, wielding their foam swords and hooting and hollering. I started feeling weepy and desperate. I was desperate for some quiet space in which to listen to the podcast.  I was all caught up in a combination of emotions. I was  sad because my father-in-law died on Tuesday. I was scared, because I was not attending to my job, and was worried about the projects and work piling up. I was also worried about my schoolwork. Additionally, I felt guilty. I wanted to be in the moment with my sons and share their giddy game. I was also, actually, angry. I just wanted to be able to listen to the podcast.

I started to cry. My husband came over and talked me through my feelings. He reminded me that we had decided to send the boys to school the next day. I had decided that I would take another bereavement day. Moving out of the mishmash of emotion, I saw that I didn't need to force the situation at the moment.  I didn't need to listen to the podcast on Thursday evening. I realized that I would have Friday morning to myself -- and I could listen to the podcast in a quiet house the next day.

We also came up with another solution. I said that I wished I had headphones to wear when I'm studying. We talked about the Bose Noise Canceling Headphones, which are expensive.  Then, I realized that I had just received a check for the editorial usage of one of my photographs in a magazine.  My husband and I said together, "perfect." We decided that buying the headphones was the perfect use of that income. I hope that the headphones will help me to concentrate in my often noisy home, and to lose my temper less often with my children, who are very dear, and very noisy.

Once I emerged from being caught up in that mishmash of emotion, I was calmer and more centered. I was also more engaged in the moment, instead of worrying about the future and dwelling in the past.

Mindfulness: Awareness of My Breath

On Wednesday, I had an appointment with the funeral home. I was late leaving home, because my young son wanted to come with me. He cried, and cried. I explained that I was going to an adult meeting. I said that it wasn’t a meeting that I could include him in. I was breathing in a shallow way throughout that exchange.

I left the children in my husband’s care. I said goodbye, got in my car, and drove away.  I did not want to listen to the radio. I drove in silence. I noticed that my breathing got deeper. I looked at the trees, rock walls, farms, frozen ponds, and houses that I drove by. I became more relaxed.

The funeral home called to check on me. I apologized for being late. Eileen was understanding. I became more relaxed and breathed deeper.

At the meeting at the funeral home, I was initially nervous. My breathing was shallow. But, I saw that the estimate I had received was exactly what I was presented. I had done research on Tuesday and had chosen this funeral home over several others that I had called. The funeral director was not stuffy or fake. He was nice. Again, my breathing became deeper.

I then went to my mother-in-law’s house to join her, my sisters-in-law, and our family friend Conny. We ate lunch together and told stories about Dad. I felt safe and good. My breathing was deep. But, when my mother-in-law asked about my oldest son, I cried. I said he was deeply affected and having a hard time. My breathing became more shallow as I cried.

Conny told a story about her husband Doug. She had been at her writers’ group on Tuesday evening. She had not heard the news yet of my father-in-law’s death. Doug had heard the news though. When she got home, she found Doug drinking bourbon. He told her he had had one shot of bourbon for himself and one for Richard, and then one shot for himself, and one for Richard. She said he had had many, many shots of bourbon. We all laughed lovingly. My breathing became deeper again. 

I breathe deeply when I am not in conflict, and when I feel safe.

Mindfulness: Awareness of My Body

On Tuesday, my mind was focused primarily on my father-in-law. He was hospitalized. My husband, sons, and I visited him on Sunday night. On Tuesday morning, very early, we received a call to let us know that he was not doing well. He was expected to die. We decided that I would not go to work. I stayed home with my young son. My husband left immediately to drive to the hospital to join his mother and sister.

My husband and I kept in touch throughout the day. He called in the afternoon, before my older son came home from school, to tell me that his father had died. When I heard my husband cry, my body convulsed, and I began to cry, too. I tried to keep this bodily reaction from my younger son.

After my older son came home on the school bus, he his brother began to play. I saw that my sons were having a nice afternoon together. I decided to wait to tell them about their grandfather when my husband returned home. I thought it would be better to deliver the news when all four of us to were together.

When my husband came home, I used my eyes to look into his eyes.  I held his hand, and then hugged him and kissed him.

He then went into our living room and told the boys that Grandpa had died. I was aware then that I could provide comfort with my body. I hugged both my husband and my older son while they cried. I kissed them and stroked their hair.

My older son was very close to his grandfather. He cried throughout the evening, as he asked us questions, and realized that he would never get to talk with his grandfather again. I realized that because my son nursed for more than two years, it is comforting for him to be hugged and lean against my chest. I cradled him and provided him with comfort by letting him rest against the softness of my chest. I observed that I provide comfort with my touch and my embrace.